Impatient

My boot will begin to come off Wednesday.  I think I've been pretty patient for the last 14 weeks but I am really fighting to stay patient for this next few days.  I'm moving around so well and having so little pain as long as I do my exercises (I do them a LOT and get really stretched out every day) and I am just ready for the next part of the process.  I think the thing is weaned off gradually and I'll probably wear a light brace for a while (I plan to pack several braces so that if I have one that is acceptable I don't have to buy another orthotic device; I've bought at least 3 or 4 this year not to mention all the casts).  Even my PTs are feeling like we're in a holding pattern and ready for the exciting part to begin.

I don't know why waiting another 5 days is so hard but I think I've just reached the end of my patience with having to plan every movement.  Last night I stepped on something and cut my foot.  I thought I had stopped the bleeding but when I got off the toilet I discovered it had actually bled quite a bit on the floor.  So I cleaned it up and then had to be extremely careful to not put my crutches down near the wet spot. Tonight I was watching a movie and hit eject accidentally on the remote when I leaned over to do an exercise.  I had no crutches and putting my boot on and off in 2 minutes is a huge ordeal.  So I was going to finish exercises without distraction but somehow found a way to trick the tv into restarting the DVD eventually.  But it was so frustrating; the tv is like 5 steps away and I can't do that.  And it has been 14 weeks.  Nearly 4 months.  Somehow that seems like forever right now.

I'm emotional anyway.  My cat isn't doing well.  She was extremely sick a few nights ago and I was  up all night and prepared to say good-bye that morning but she rallied.  Since then she's really not eating much.  Even things she usually likes she is mostly ignoring.  So I am worried.  The worst thing the vet could have done was what she did back in June--she was trying to be honest that Anna wasn't going to live for a very long time but she made it sound more dire than it has been. But because of what she said every time Anna isn't feeling good I am afraid.  I know perfectly well she won't be here forever and I knew that before the vet.  She is 19.  Cats don't often live that long.  All time now is bonus time.  But what I didn't need was the list of things that could happen any time she was unwell.  We've done this before and chances are good she'll eat in a day or two.  It may be that I need to try another food option and that the one that was her choice for the last months isn't now.  Or she needs tuna.  I went for chicken instead and she isn't thrilled with it although she drinks the juice.  Time will tell.  She seems to be feeling ok, just not eating much.  It's hard.

My emotions are out of control.  I can't begin to tell you the things I've cried over in the last few days.  It's probably SAD in part but I'm too agitated to start using my light.  This happens nearly every year. 

I'm also anxious about the ankle.  Can I really walk in a shoe?  It is so much better but it still is not close to 100%.  I'm afraid of hurting it again.  Perfectly reasonable but still hard to cope with.  It also feels very different because it is reconstructed and not like an anatomically normal ankle and so I have to get used to the feeling.  Thus far what I've experienced of that is weird.  It's still swelling in one area and I have some places with decreased sensation.  Normal but weird.  I also have a loud popping on the inside of the ankle that concerns me.  I think I know what it is but not why it is there.  Everything was done in the joint or on the outside.  And this popping is really loud.  It's probably fine but I have 5 years of training in "the ankle is bad".

Tomorrow is time with my sister and nieces.  So excited for that.  I love those little girls so much.  I can't imagine life without them.

And on a happy note we'll stop.