Not Me

I have a few good things going on.  I will be moving into my apartment Thursday.  It's not all done but it is close enough.  I fell down stairs last week holding my laptop and smacked myself in the mouth.  It broke a tooth by hitting it exactly at the right angle to hit a weaker spot.  But it only needs a filling, not a root canal.  Dr. Mind released me from medication supervision because we agreed that I am handling so much medication right now that there just isn't any point.  It's been 2 1/2 years since I just got the vials out and filled the pill box. 

I sent a card to my brother last week.  This week I was thinking about sending him some information about a way to earn some money online, until I realized it could be a temptation for alcohol.  It's part of the rapid changes that I'm going through with being furious with him and not wanting anything to change.  Sometimes I get it in my head that if I pretend nothing has changed that maybe this will be a nightmare.  Dr. Mind asked why I am wanting to reach out when I've clearly said numerous times that isn't what I want.  I have a whole thing about knowing that just because you disconnect from family doesn't mean you don't hurt.  But the truth is that I  don't want to be part of his punishment.

I never thought about that before, that when someone commits a crime and especially if they go to jail (which may or may not happen; innocent until proven guilty) part of the societal punishment is that they are separated from the people they care about.  I guess that sounds simple enough, but I didn't think of how much it would change a family.  And as I bounce between different emotions about my brother I either am glad that this is the way it is or I am hurt that the legal system hurts me even though I didn't do anything wrong or I am afraid that if I don't try to stay connected that I will lose all connection forever and I don't know if that is what I want.  Mostly though I don't want to be a pawn in the process of punishment.  I want to decide for myself what relationship there is and if he is incarcerated a lot of that is otu of my control.  Not just because of my fear of visiting jail, but because I'm only allowed for so many minutes on 2 days per week, I can only bring white socks or white underwear, etc.And letting them decide this is what the relationship amounts to means that I AM a pawn and I'm not ready for that.

I don't know what to do with this.  It's another place that I feel shattered and have no idea how I will feel tomorrow.  But I need at some point to figure this out and it is so hard.

I wish I'd never had a chance to find out how hard this is.  When it happened before and my uncle was arrested I was only 9 or 10 and I didn't understand.  This time I understand a lot more, especially because I know what happened with my favorite uncle; he lost all of his family and ties to home because it wasn't safe. 

So hard.