Guilt

It turns out that having a sibling who is likely to go to jail for a long time for a crime you find particularly horrific is a really difficult thing to balance.  See, I love Steve.  I can't say we are close but we did chat on facebook pretty frequently and got along pretty well.  (Although the last time I saw hi in person I yelled at him for yelling at me...great memory).  We just don't have a lot in common.

From the minute I heard what he was charged with I knew I might never be able to see him again.  In fact my mom had written it down and handed it to me on a notepad which I threw across the room.  Because the simple truth is that he could have murdered someone and I'd find it easier to cope with.

Yet as time passes I want to be able to be more than I can be.  I want him to know that while I am devastated and hurt and angry I do still care.  I have had all sorts of ideas about how to show that and none really work.  

One problem is that there is pressure from my mom, who is so sad about how alone he is now.  She is being a mama bear and while it was understandable that I couldn't handle this a week ago that's not true now.  She isn't purposefully pressuring me but I can tell what she wants and what she thinks about my inability to just pick up the phone.

Another problem is that right now I am hearing a lot from my mother's reports about how Steve is feeling.   And while he is very upset and lonely and aware that he destroyed his life I have yet to hear some of the feelings that would make me feel better, that showed he knows why it was wrong.  This doesn't mean he hasn't said it but it isn't being reported back to me.  Which makes me think that he hasn't developed the insight to feel bad about what he did (allegedly?  we don't use that word much but I should because we really don't know and without knowing the charges even he doesn't know what he did or didn't do) as much as he just feels bad that he hurt himself.

Dr. Mind and Dr. Brain say that contact is up to me.  I had thought that I would have this time just before his trial that I could see him.  But the way this is happening that may not happen.  I can't see myself being able to handle a visit to jail with all the sex offenders there.

Tonight I want to send him a card.  But I can't figure out how to send a card that says that I love him because he is my brother, that I miss him and always will, that I'll try to continue sending cards but that this in no way implies that I support what he did or that I can even forgive him for it at this point and that our relationship is different from here on out.  One thing that is so important to me that he know but which seems so stupid is that he has always called me his own little variation on my name.  I will vomit if I ever hear that name again.  It's the same as him touching me; it will make me ill.  Someday I'll talk to him again. I believe that.  But what to do now is a tangle of guilt, need, pressure, anger at myself that I can't make it all disappear, etc.

I wish there were a timeline that we had some knowledge of.  The word is that he'll be arrested again when the grand jury indicts him.  But we don't know when the grand jury meets, how long it will take to do whatever they do, or even when they'll start to meet.  The computer analysis can take a long time from what I've read.  And they have to have done that to know what to charge and how many counts.

I know things I never wanted to.  I'm not allowed to look things up and I've done reasonable well at that but it is impossible to go through this without learning things that you never wanted to know or think about.

At least now it is time for my valium and in about an hour I'll be sound asleep.  Sound asleep is my favorite thing right now because valium prevents the dreams and I just sleep.  I hate that I'm on valium but Dr. Brain says that it if works when so little else will that she's happy to use it and we'll just wean off when the time comes.  Which made me feel better but it's a little scary to know that I can't miss a dose or I'll go into withdrawls.  The same is true for klonopin because I'm taking so much of it.  But ultimately getting some rest and not being so anxious I'm climbing walls is a good thing.