Day Seven started rudely. I fell asleep somewhere around 9:30 or 10:00 Saturday night. I was still holding a book and sitting up and the light was on, but all that medication really hit and I fell very sound asleep. It was unpleasant then when at midnight I was awakened and told that I couldn't have anything to eat or drink until blood was drawn in the morning. I have no idea why nobody would have told me that at say, 9:00 med pass. That night was the time change, and so instead of waking at my usual 5 (not that I start every day then, but I do start or completely wake up then), I was awake at 4, trying to force myself to sleep so I wouldn't think of how much I wanted water. Finally the nurse brought my thyroid med in and told me I could have water. I was pretty frustrated. First, drinking is really important with lithium and the kidney problem I have. Second, I'm thirsty ALL the time from meds. Third, it was the first time anyone told me what a test was or why it was done. I'm an adult, a competent adult, whether I'm on a psych unit or not, and I think the staff was disrespectful when they drew blood and did EKGs and on and on without telling us anything.
Eventually (and of course later than any other day blood was taken), the plebotomist (thankfully not the one who made a crazy joke on the psych unit) came and took my blood. Unfortunately she didn't put the pressure dressing on correctly and well, there was a messy incident.
I then went through a mess with meds that was ridiculous. I take a med called Nuvigil. It boosts my antidepressant and helps me wake up. It's a new version of an old med called Provigil. When I talked to admitting before I went to the hospital they said to bring med bottles so they could verify that things were written as I said. What they didn't tell me was that they'd also use my meds if they needed to. And with Nuvigil knowing that turned into a $450 loss on my part. What happened was that I only had about 5 when I went in. I didn't worry about calling Dr. Brain to be sure she'd gotten my insurance approval for me because I knew I'd see her within a few days of getting out and I'd be fine on those 5 until then. So I ran out, the hospital had none, and they seemed to have no clue what to do. Finally I gave them a script I had from Provigil that I still had in my purse and hours later I got a dose of that, which I think caused the hypomania we'll talk about tomorrow. (The reason this cost me $450 is that after discharge I had to get something and without prior authorization I had to pay. The hospital sent home a Provigil script which I also didn't have prior auth. for so I paid $136 for 10 pills, just so I had something. Some of the $450 I may be able to get back. A lot, probably not.)
Sunday was mostly a repeat of Saturday. Same awful group. I'm a Christian and I am a big advocate for Christian therapy and the role of faith in healing, but I was pretty upset about this group because she made it far too faith based. I felt that the psych unit, a place where people are so easily influenced, is not a place to talk about your specific beliefs. (Hers and mine weren't the same, but even if they were I wouldn't have thought it appropriate. Religious thoughts can be very distressing to some mentally ill people, and very confusing. Plus, that's a time you need to believe what you believe and be left to it.) Partly I feel like this because I know that I felt so confused and odd during some of that time that if someone had tried to teach me to follow the tenets of the Mayan faith (random example) I might have, despite that not being my belief system when well. I still have to talk to Dr. Mind about this part; we're approaching it but it's hard for me to say.
I again made a collage all afternoon, wearing my sound blockers. Being out was so exhausting. I wrote quite a bit that day about how I was so unsure I would be able to handle my noisy job in only 2 weeks.
I wound up napping that afternoon and a nurse had to wake me to eat. I shouldn't have bothered. Despite my doctor's attempts to help the diet, I was given 2 grilled cheese sandwiches that day, one for lunch and one for dinner. And I most certainly did not order two of them. I had been given a choice of broccoli, which is not on the MAOI diet but was listed as a thing I couldn't have on my card. I really wanted that broccoli. And they didn't give it to me. Nor did I get another food item. So I had an applesauce from the snacks, and spent another bit of my life very upset about this. Now that I'm home I'm still having a hard time figuring out what I can/want to eat. I still have a pretty limited number of things I'll eat, I just have figured out what I can eat that will supplement the calories a little on a day I'm not hungry, like today. I've also figured out some combinations that help, like egg beaters with a little breakfast sausage (can't have other sausage) and some safe cheese. I eat that a lot and it's got plenty of protein at least. Dr. Mind told me today that this symptom may hang on for a while. If it does I truly blame it on the hospital. I was ready for the diet. I was not ready to have a random set of restrictions even my doctor said I didn't need enforced. I was not ready to have every food that I might eat taken away from me immediately after being scolded for not eating. And I'm even more angry that I didn't get a dietary consult about the diet after requesting it, because now it's going to cost me $.
So dinner made me cry. Sunday was a harder day for me. A lot of people thought they might be going home Monday and I wasn't going to be going until Wed. or Thursday. I was a bit afraid of being alone, or being there alone with this one patient who....I don't want to say much about other patients......let's just say the high functioning unit was a stretch for her and if you want to know why I had a hard time look up "learned helplessness" and then consider she wouldn't sit near me at meals because with my special diet she couldn't copy my choices. Or the time I took a shower after her and had to spend 10 minutes cleaning up her dirty washclothes, dirty towels, the bottle of soap she'd spilled all over the clean linens, and her slowing spilling tipped shampoo bottle. That was not when I exactly felt like taking care of other people........
I was really surprised still at that point by how emotional I was. The crying about dinner (again) wasn't like me. The inability to accept that my diet was really screwed up and that what I was trying to fix that was ineffective was too much for me to accept. I also cried when I found a hair from my cat on my pants.
I worked more that day on being ready to leave. I called Walgreens and asked them to have patches available and was reassured they would. I asked the nurse for the tiny amount of guidance of what to do if a patch fell off. That answer was all the training I got in patch care and it's what I blame for my experimenting in treatments for broken out areas. (I know I'm obsessing about this, but the thing is that if an area breaks out I obviously can't patch it again until it heals. But what I learned last week is that I also need to avoid the area around that red area. And that gets tricky. On the other hand, I mixed up something that I think might actually be helping the hives even, and if it's better in the morning I'll mix up a good size batch and maybe that will help).
I had a lot of anxiety about when I was leaving. I'd been told anywhere from Tuesday to Friday. At that point Tuesday had been mentioned as hopeful. But I felt that it would be better to return to a support system, which meant either being scheduled for Dr. Brain the day after discharge, which wasn't ideal since it's a 2 hour drive each way, or going home Wed. to see Dr. Mind on Thursday. I was very worried about the fact that 2 days before I'd felt impulsive enough about hurting myself that I had to get rid of the one thing in my possession that might hurt me (paperclip).
This was also the first day my notes really complain about being there. I will discuss this a lot as time goes on (and may have some already), but I needed to be there. There is no doubt about that, and I got there just in time. They did what I was there for and I'm better and I was kept safe and mostly they were kind. It was certainly a better place for me than a general psych unit. However, for a unit set up for bipolar and depressed patients only, it wasn't all that appropriate for me. I was the only bipolar patient, and aside from my meds being different, nobody treated me differently. Nobody considered that my issues might differ a bit and if I tried to express that usually I was discounted. I also did not need to learn huge amounts about depression. For one thing, after as many years of therapy as I've had (ignoring my degrees and profession) I've been through this. For another depression is not the worst part of my illness and nobody ever talked about that part. This is where I am very bitter that I did not have anyone to talk to individually. I felt that a lot of it was very boring (partly it was because it was done in a way that did not help 6 severely depressed patients focus on the topic so nothing was ever connected nor was it enough sharing that we could help/learn from one another). I also felt a lot of groups were condescending, like "ok, this thing I downloaded from the internet says you all feel ______ and this is how you fix that". We might have been hospitalized but I think most of us could verbalize about how we felt about some topic all by ourselves. Generally I didn't feel anything like they said I should. Which was infuriating by the end. My final annoyance about groups was because the nurse I disliked, who was responsbile for the worst, internet based groups, felt that she could compare her frustration about having to go outside to smoke in the rain because of the law to our feelings about being trapped in various situations. You simply don't complain to a bunch of people who are locked up, missing the last week of fall weather and pretty leaves, about not enjoying your time outside. Thanks to the way the windows had heavy mesh on them, then blinds that nobody could control, we couldn't even see outside much of the time.
I had a long talk in the evening with another patient, the one I liked the most and who I was most upset about leaving on Monday. He was new to all this, so he had a lot of questions for me about my experiences, etc. He also told me how much better I looked that day, so much less haunted. That was such a good word for how I had looked. I literally was afraid to see myself for the first 4 days because the look in my eyes was bad. If Dr. Mind had seen me look that way he would have had me inpatient without hearing one word. I was so glad to find out that a lot of my frustrations weren't just me, including this nurse I really disliked (more on her eventually too).
That was a lot of writing. I think that shows how much better I felt; I could analyze the day and how I felt. Finally. I also was conversing by then, which was a big deal. I still don't feel like I can have any conversation I might want to because saying things isn't always easy. But that's just the thing where this takes more than 3 days.
Saturday, November 21, 2009
One more word
Hives. (in prior patch site. not good).
New furnace Monday.
More tomorrow when I'm less overwhelmed.
Friday, November 20, 2009
A post to say nothing
The tired from this week really hit last night hard. I had a hard time getting up this morning, using my usual hard to wake up trick of reminding myself I'm virtually ready and can doze until 30 min before time to go. That inevitably wakes me up.
But it was a very busy day and much of the energy I had in reserve is gone. I also forgot an anxiety pill. I remembered but couldn't take it and just never did and when I realized it wasn't good timing with driving. So that's not helped a ton.
But it was a very busy day and much of the energy I had in reserve is gone. I also forgot an anxiety pill. I remembered but couldn't take it and just never did and when I realized it wasn't good timing with driving. So that's not helped a ton.
Tomorrow I have an appointment with Dr. Mind and 2 patients to briefly see. I volunteered for it, I shouldn't have, but there's not enough time in the day.
I know I wanted to write about something tonight, but I have no clue what by now. Maybe I'll remember. Sleep may help.....
Thursday, November 19, 2009
The dog ate my homework
I have about half a post, Unlocked Day Whatever We're on, written from this morning. It should have been easy enough to finish tonight.
But I got home a bit later because I was taking care of something at work, and then my furnace pilot light was out. I've never had to do that before and I'm very proud of myself. But it took my little "free time".
I'm working so hard on my relaxation routine that to post more than this would be violating a rule. And the rules are working.
So, let it just be said that:
-I fixed a furnace
-It really hurts to kneel on a completely black and blue knee to fix a furnace
-Dr. Mind agrees I'm getting a lot better. He says I'm not all better yet; I feel so much better than the last few months I don't care.
-For the first time in forever I didn't have to report any suicidal thoughts.
-I mentioned to a patient that I'd lost 55 lbs and would bring in some old clothes for her to try (she needs larger things). I didn't even cry when she essentially told me I'm still fat. I'm a size 12! That's pretty average I'd think.........Plus, it's 6 sizes smaller than a year ago. And she is no size 12 herself. So there.
Rule broken. Time to read.
More tomorrow.
But I got home a bit later because I was taking care of something at work, and then my furnace pilot light was out. I've never had to do that before and I'm very proud of myself. But it took my little "free time".
I'm working so hard on my relaxation routine that to post more than this would be violating a rule. And the rules are working.
So, let it just be said that:
-I fixed a furnace
-It really hurts to kneel on a completely black and blue knee to fix a furnace
-Dr. Mind agrees I'm getting a lot better. He says I'm not all better yet; I feel so much better than the last few months I don't care.
-For the first time in forever I didn't have to report any suicidal thoughts.
-I mentioned to a patient that I'd lost 55 lbs and would bring in some old clothes for her to try (she needs larger things). I didn't even cry when she essentially told me I'm still fat. I'm a size 12! That's pretty average I'd think.........Plus, it's 6 sizes smaller than a year ago. And she is no size 12 herself. So there.
Rule broken. Time to read.
More tomorrow.
Locked up, Day 6
It started with a night of bad sleep. I had nightmares and kept waking up. I know I talked to the tech several times.
I started feeling dizzy from time to time from some minor blood pressure changes. This was expected and hasn't turned into anything major.
I ate my whole breakfast for the first time. I didn't get the sausage I'd ordered (totally legal on the MAOI diet), but I ate the rest. This turned out to be good since they substituted my whole lunch with a grilled cheese sandwich.
I talked to the doctor about the diet. I showed him the list I'd been given and then told him about my food card saying no broccoli, cauliflower, parsley, or spinach, none of which are on the main list. Then we talked about my not even really needed the diet and he said he'd modify it. He did ask me to watch soy intake, so no veggie burger, but otherwise I should be ok. He did write the orders, but nobody followed them all weekend because the dietician wouldn't change it but instead left a note in my chart that the doctor said made no sense, saying she wouldn't be responsible, etc. I asked to speak to her so she could explain the diet and a request was put through. She never did come back and now that I really do have dietary precautions I don't know entirely what they are. Nice, huh?
The doctor also increased my Seroquel dose to 600 mg per my request. He also said I probably could go home Tuesday, a day sooner than I'd last been told. I thought about it and realized I'd rather go home Wed. so that I could see Dr. Mind the next day. I wrote that down to ask the next time I saw him.
We had a group I was very disappointed with. Br. Brain had told me all about this one person who did weekend activities and everyone always had so much fun with her, etc. Well, she decided to do yet another "read aloud, lecture, and don't really discuss" group. This was on guilt. She bothered me also by bringing in a personal example from her life. This is normally fine, but this was something very sad and kept getting teary because I wasn't handling sad. It was the most boring 30 min. ever.
Then we were supposed to have a group on med compliance/management that I wasn't looking forward to, but nobody mentioned it. So from that point on it was an unscheduled day.
I spent 4 hours that day out of my room. I wore my sound blockers and made a collage. I was so tired of tan and green by that time that I made the most colorful collage I could come up wtih. It took a lot of focus since we couldn't have scissors without direct supervision, so the whole thing was torn and pasted. I also played cards with another patient for a while. It was good to do something different. Because I couldn't tolerate the noise I spent most of the time I wasn't in groups in my room, trying to read or doing very simple crossword and logic puzzles. Which was ok, but not enough options. By the end of the day though I knew I'd overdone it and I was really tired and anxious.
I also did laundry and changed my bed. I love clean sheets and clean pajamas.
The most disappointing thing was when we were paged for the last group. There was one nurse I'll write about eventually who I did not like, partly because of her condescending, long, boring groups she subjected us to when the group was designed per the other nurses to be just a time to talk about what happened during the day, something that was actually USEFUL. That group wasn't on the weekend schedule. When it was called I was as frustrated as I'd been since I was admitted. Thankfully the nurse who would be in charge the next night asked what kind of group we wanted so Sunday I got to look forward not having condescending group.
Saturday was the first time I was well enough to feel sad that I didn't have/allow visitors (event though it as the right decision), and I started to really miss my cats. They are so calming and I really needed that.
It also was the first day I was well enough to begin to see how horribly, frighteningly ill I had been. I think if I hadn't gone when I did Dr. Mind would have had to put me inpatient at my appointment I would have had the day I was admitted. 48 hours after I walked in there I was more out of control and dangerous to myself than I'd ever been before.
I also started thinking about how it is great that this works, but that an MAOI change to any other antidepressant would need a washout period and would put me back in the same place and that I need to talk to Dr. Brain about alternatives because I cannot ever go through another washout like that.
And that was day 6. Can you tell I was feeling better when I wrote about that day?
I was weighed and had lost 6 lbs since admission. I was somewhat surprised because since I wasn't eating I had been adding calories where I could, like using 2% milk, drinking pop, that kind of thing.
I started feeling dizzy from time to time from some minor blood pressure changes. This was expected and hasn't turned into anything major.
I ate my whole breakfast for the first time. I didn't get the sausage I'd ordered (totally legal on the MAOI diet), but I ate the rest. This turned out to be good since they substituted my whole lunch with a grilled cheese sandwich.
I talked to the doctor about the diet. I showed him the list I'd been given and then told him about my food card saying no broccoli, cauliflower, parsley, or spinach, none of which are on the main list. Then we talked about my not even really needed the diet and he said he'd modify it. He did ask me to watch soy intake, so no veggie burger, but otherwise I should be ok. He did write the orders, but nobody followed them all weekend because the dietician wouldn't change it but instead left a note in my chart that the doctor said made no sense, saying she wouldn't be responsible, etc. I asked to speak to her so she could explain the diet and a request was put through. She never did come back and now that I really do have dietary precautions I don't know entirely what they are. Nice, huh?
The doctor also increased my Seroquel dose to 600 mg per my request. He also said I probably could go home Tuesday, a day sooner than I'd last been told. I thought about it and realized I'd rather go home Wed. so that I could see Dr. Mind the next day. I wrote that down to ask the next time I saw him.
We had a group I was very disappointed with. Br. Brain had told me all about this one person who did weekend activities and everyone always had so much fun with her, etc. Well, she decided to do yet another "read aloud, lecture, and don't really discuss" group. This was on guilt. She bothered me also by bringing in a personal example from her life. This is normally fine, but this was something very sad and kept getting teary because I wasn't handling sad. It was the most boring 30 min. ever.
Then we were supposed to have a group on med compliance/management that I wasn't looking forward to, but nobody mentioned it. So from that point on it was an unscheduled day.
I spent 4 hours that day out of my room. I wore my sound blockers and made a collage. I was so tired of tan and green by that time that I made the most colorful collage I could come up wtih. It took a lot of focus since we couldn't have scissors without direct supervision, so the whole thing was torn and pasted. I also played cards with another patient for a while. It was good to do something different. Because I couldn't tolerate the noise I spent most of the time I wasn't in groups in my room, trying to read or doing very simple crossword and logic puzzles. Which was ok, but not enough options. By the end of the day though I knew I'd overdone it and I was really tired and anxious.
I also did laundry and changed my bed. I love clean sheets and clean pajamas.
The most disappointing thing was when we were paged for the last group. There was one nurse I'll write about eventually who I did not like, partly because of her condescending, long, boring groups she subjected us to when the group was designed per the other nurses to be just a time to talk about what happened during the day, something that was actually USEFUL. That group wasn't on the weekend schedule. When it was called I was as frustrated as I'd been since I was admitted. Thankfully the nurse who would be in charge the next night asked what kind of group we wanted so Sunday I got to look forward not having condescending group.
Saturday was the first time I was well enough to feel sad that I didn't have/allow visitors (event though it as the right decision), and I started to really miss my cats. They are so calming and I really needed that.
It also was the first day I was well enough to begin to see how horribly, frighteningly ill I had been. I think if I hadn't gone when I did Dr. Mind would have had to put me inpatient at my appointment I would have had the day I was admitted. 48 hours after I walked in there I was more out of control and dangerous to myself than I'd ever been before.
I also started thinking about how it is great that this works, but that an MAOI change to any other antidepressant would need a washout period and would put me back in the same place and that I need to talk to Dr. Brain about alternatives because I cannot ever go through another washout like that.
And that was day 6. Can you tell I was feeling better when I wrote about that day?
I was weighed and had lost 6 lbs since admission. I was somewhat surprised because since I wasn't eating I had been adding calories where I could, like using 2% milk, drinking pop, that kind of thing.
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
It's always ups and downs
I've really been better this last few days. The depression is improving, I'm being very good at following a routine of relaxation, and my doctor finally found the right meds for the anxiety. The only problem was that the more you take of certain meds the more likely you are to fall. The hospital stuck a stupid bracelet on me that I was a fall risk, and since I got that bracelet my score probably has tripled. I'm on combinations of meds that nobody would ever approve for more than a little bit, and honestly I only get it because my dr. trusts me a lot. (ie I'm on 2 benzodiazipines (valium and Klonopin); a big dose of antipsychotic; a diuretic; and an MAOI). I think that's all my fall meds but it's a lot regardless.
So the last few days I've had it figured out exactly how to feel ok. I had the meds precisely timed and felt so much more able to cope. Right up until I took a header in the parking lot of the nursing home. I'm ok and very fortunate; I have a badly bruised knee and random bruises elsewhere and I'm going to really ache tomorrow, but the worst thing is that I'm now worried about taking the benzos. Which I then didn't take one dose, and I wound up so anxious I had trouble coping with bieng in a store and making simple decisions.
I'll fax Dr. Body in the morning and see if he's got ideas, but I think safety wise this is going to be a no.
I just want easy. Just once. I'm sorry for whining, but I feel like I've been through ENOUGH in the last 2 months and just tolerating the meds until I felt better (which I suspect is coming soon) is just not fair.
I'm also definitely having patch site reactions. I can clearly see the sites of the last 2 patches and one is a little itchy. I've tried many things; tonight is Balmex. But I need the dr. to give input there too. I HAVE to have this work......
So the last few days I've had it figured out exactly how to feel ok. I had the meds precisely timed and felt so much more able to cope. Right up until I took a header in the parking lot of the nursing home. I'm ok and very fortunate; I have a badly bruised knee and random bruises elsewhere and I'm going to really ache tomorrow, but the worst thing is that I'm now worried about taking the benzos. Which I then didn't take one dose, and I wound up so anxious I had trouble coping with bieng in a store and making simple decisions.
I'll fax Dr. Body in the morning and see if he's got ideas, but I think safety wise this is going to be a no.
I just want easy. Just once. I'm sorry for whining, but I feel like I've been through ENOUGH in the last 2 months and just tolerating the meds until I felt better (which I suspect is coming soon) is just not fair.
I'm also definitely having patch site reactions. I can clearly see the sites of the last 2 patches and one is a little itchy. I've tried many things; tonight is Balmex. But I need the dr. to give input there too. I HAVE to have this work......
New experience
Please keep Michal and her friends in your thoughts/prayers. Those who read here much will know that Michal is a very frequent commenter/supporter for me, and she is grieving a loss of a young child who was a friend of the family.
I forgot about this last night, but yesterday was the first day my food restrictions kicked my butt. A vendor brought us lunch and an inservice. Lunch was Olive Garden. I love Olive Garden. I can have things like lasagna if I cook them and substitute a little, but I can't have their cheeses. Nor can I have salad dressing from there. So I had a plate of salad and thankfully I'd brought in a bottle of salad dressing for cooking group weeks ago and had that. Nonetheless, it was depressing and now that I think of it I want to make stuffed shells. Huh. That's the most substantial food I've wanted. We'll have to see if that lasts through the day.
I can't remember what I wrote last night (still groggy from valium), so I won't repeat myself.
Have a good day. I have to do a home eval today that frightens me. The patient is going to make it tough. It may be a long afternoon........
I forgot about this last night, but yesterday was the first day my food restrictions kicked my butt. A vendor brought us lunch and an inservice. Lunch was Olive Garden. I love Olive Garden. I can have things like lasagna if I cook them and substitute a little, but I can't have their cheeses. Nor can I have salad dressing from there. So I had a plate of salad and thankfully I'd brought in a bottle of salad dressing for cooking group weeks ago and had that. Nonetheless, it was depressing and now that I think of it I want to make stuffed shells. Huh. That's the most substantial food I've wanted. We'll have to see if that lasts through the day.
I can't remember what I wrote last night (still groggy from valium), so I won't repeat myself.
Have a good day. I have to do a home eval today that frightens me. The patient is going to make it tough. It may be a long afternoon........
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
Perhaps
I think I might have gotten the anxiety into the "reasonable but bad" arena today. As I wrote this morning I took too much valium last night, at least in combination with the other meds.
So I decided to space out what works differently.
I took Klonopin when needed it, about 9 AM. Then I took a vistaril when I got a little edgy, about noon. Then I took my 2nd Klonopin of the day about 3:30, and then valium (1/4 tablet unless I'm not sleepy in 20 minutes) when I took my night meds, which is right before the essential oil bath etc. starts.
I'm exhausted, but I'm not wanting to climb walls tonight. And I got a few things done after work. Which is also good. I'm really excited actually about one thing. I am literally doing anything to relax right now. I remembered last night that I had an old one of those massaging seat covers that I got on clearance after Christmas maybe 10 years ago. I dug it out and found the plug, but not the car adaptor. So I was disappointed, but used a coupon to buy a cheap (much less nice) model today, figuring that if they weren't compatible that I could just use one in the house and the new one in the car. They were compatible, so I can now work on relaxing while driving as well as all the rest of the time.
I'm going to have to shut up now and sleep. I have so much to say, but I'm so tired I didn't even do most of my nightly painting. Which is pretty tired since that's a firm part of the relaxation program. I wish I could draw; I'm really getting into watercolors. I see abstract art in my future. Not for anything but just to do it, but it is so relaxing.
Anyway, more tomorrow.
So I decided to space out what works differently.
I took Klonopin when needed it, about 9 AM. Then I took a vistaril when I got a little edgy, about noon. Then I took my 2nd Klonopin of the day about 3:30, and then valium (1/4 tablet unless I'm not sleepy in 20 minutes) when I took my night meds, which is right before the essential oil bath etc. starts.
I'm exhausted, but I'm not wanting to climb walls tonight. And I got a few things done after work. Which is also good. I'm really excited actually about one thing. I am literally doing anything to relax right now. I remembered last night that I had an old one of those massaging seat covers that I got on clearance after Christmas maybe 10 years ago. I dug it out and found the plug, but not the car adaptor. So I was disappointed, but used a coupon to buy a cheap (much less nice) model today, figuring that if they weren't compatible that I could just use one in the house and the new one in the car. They were compatible, so I can now work on relaxing while driving as well as all the rest of the time.
I'm going to have to shut up now and sleep. I have so much to say, but I'm so tired I didn't even do most of my nightly painting. Which is pretty tired since that's a firm part of the relaxation program. I wish I could draw; I'm really getting into watercolors. I see abstract art in my future. Not for anything but just to do it, but it is so relaxing.
Anyway, more tomorrow.
The opposite of how I've been
I took 1/4 of a valium last evening. My doctor had told me probably 1/2 would be best for me. When the 1/4 didn't do much I took another 1/4. I think that was a mistake......I am as relaxed as can be, but I also can barely walk. Fortunately I don't have to leave until 8 today, but wow.
It is, however, soooooooooooo nice to be calm. I just wish there were a slightly more moderate way to get here. (My plan for now is to take it once/day with the amount depending on how late it is. I may move my bedtime Klonopin to a mid-day Klonopin to see what that does, because Klonopin is the best drug I'm on (even though valium sure is effective......)
In some ways I haven't felt this good since mid-July. Too bad it's gonna fade.
Please forgive typos. I've fixed a lot, but being this sleepy isn't so easy......
It is, however, soooooooooooo nice to be calm. I just wish there were a slightly more moderate way to get here. (My plan for now is to take it once/day with the amount depending on how late it is. I may move my bedtime Klonopin to a mid-day Klonopin to see what that does, because Klonopin is the best drug I'm on (even though valium sure is effective......)
In some ways I haven't felt this good since mid-July. Too bad it's gonna fade.
Please forgive typos. I've fixed a lot, but being this sleepy isn't so easy......
Monday, November 16, 2009
I shouldn't look
My hospital bills are starting to show up on my insurance webpage. And they are impressive. I knew it would be about $13000 for just the room and I think the food I didn't eat. But the charge for an eval with one doctor for maybe 15 minutes?? $450. Now he's a world expert and all, and my insurance paid a lot less but OUCH. I always feel guilty at what my eval charges per 15 minutes and that's nothing in comparison........
Unlocked, Day one
I won't continue with that title, too confusing, it just seemed to be right.
I made it through the day. I saw Dr. Mind at lunch and he could tell I was already very tired, and it got a lot worse, but I made it without tears or a panic attack.
I got a script for low dose valium for the next few weeks. I think everyone is worried that this anxiety is going to be dangerous because I'm still on rather tight suicide watch, I get a reminder every single session with Dr. Mind of what to do if I feel out of control, and nothing has really helped.
I took 1/4 of the valium and I thought it didn't help but now I'm thinking maybe it did something. I need to take the rest of my meds and sleep now.
More later. Neat new thing with Dr. Mind today, another really good reason for Christian therapists. It's a guided imagery with prayer thing and I actually relaxed enough to almost fall asleep. I will be recording this technique.........
I made it through the day. I saw Dr. Mind at lunch and he could tell I was already very tired, and it got a lot worse, but I made it without tears or a panic attack.
I got a script for low dose valium for the next few weeks. I think everyone is worried that this anxiety is going to be dangerous because I'm still on rather tight suicide watch, I get a reminder every single session with Dr. Mind of what to do if I feel out of control, and nothing has really helped.
I took 1/4 of the valium and I thought it didn't help but now I'm thinking maybe it did something. I need to take the rest of my meds and sleep now.
More later. Neat new thing with Dr. Mind today, another really good reason for Christian therapists. It's a guided imagery with prayer thing and I actually relaxed enough to almost fall asleep. I will be recording this technique.........
30 minutes
I'm as ready for this as I can be right now...Praying for an easy day to transition..........
Sunday, November 15, 2009
Wow
You know how you sometimes start a project and can't stop? Well, that's especially true with hypomania, which I think I've got a touch of. In fact, I'm taking my patch off until tomorrow to let things calm. (New decision there).
But when I started ironing today and putting away clothes and sorting things to make space for my size 12s I just couldn't stop. And boy do I have a funny looking closet.........And a cleaned and newly organized for patch care bathroom sink........
OK, time for a patch break. I think. Getting sleepy, will give it 10 minutes.......Hate wasting any part of a $20/day habit that I so far haven't been reimbursed by insurnace for...........
But when I started ironing today and putting away clothes and sorting things to make space for my size 12s I just couldn't stop. And boy do I have a funny looking closet.........And a cleaned and newly organized for patch care bathroom sink........
OK, time for a patch break. I think. Getting sleepy, will give it 10 minutes.......Hate wasting any part of a $20/day habit that I so far haven't been reimbursed by insurnace for...........
The Bipolar Prayer
I'm anxious today about going back to work. I also feel better than I have in months. And I got a LOT done.
The thing is, when you're bipolar (or at least when you're me because I cycle so fast), getting a lot done all of a sudden can mean bad things too. And one of the riskiest times for mania is when an antidepressant starts to work. THey said in the hospital that my risk was lessened when I wasn't instantly manic, but......
I don't think this is mania. I think this is nervous about work. But I have no way to know for sure.....
The thing is, when you're bipolar (or at least when you're me because I cycle so fast), getting a lot done all of a sudden can mean bad things too. And one of the riskiest times for mania is when an antidepressant starts to work. THey said in the hospital that my risk was lessened when I wasn't instantly manic, but......
I don't think this is mania. I think this is nervous about work. But I have no way to know for sure.....
Today
I'm pretty sure now that my mood is improving. The anxiety is not. But I've only cried twice? in the last 2 days, I have handled being outside of my home, and I'm actually a bit less tired. And I feel pretty ready for work. I'm praying that it's easier for the next couple weeks; sometimes it does let up a little bit just before holidays, then the day before is monsterous. Then from after Thanksgiving until January will be total chaos.
My new theory of anxiety is that if I'm anxious I take something, spacing out 2 hours as much as possible (but if something is not working and I feel worse in an hour I'm taking it then). I'm tracking all of this and will fax to the dr tomorrow, but if the only way I can be comfortable is to take a ton of meds, then so be it. I also need my thyroid checked. They lowered my dose a bunch in the hospital, and when I saw Dr. Body he said that it may not work because they looked at TSH, the normal indicator, and for me my TSH can be relatively ok but my T3 or T4 isn't. And I'm suddenly full of hypothyroid symptoms.
I bought a number of different things to try to better protect my skin from the patches. Of course I got home and my skin looks much better, but I'm prepared now. I'm going to operate under the assumption that the patch really dries out out my skin, so when it comes off an area that area gets lots of moisture. By the time I hit that site again it should be free of all moisturizer, assuming I bathe occasionally.
I got a new winter coat today. I had one I thought would make it at least until after Christmas, but when I put it on it was clearly 2 sizes too large. So I have a new one. Again. I just got one last January for my birthday, but that one is about 4 sizes too big, at least.
It's going to be weird to not be posting quite so much now after I go back to work. It's possible that the next few days are going to be totally exhausting, so don't be surprised if I don't say much. Previous return-to-work weeks have involved a lot of sleeping very early.
Anyway, tonight's plans include ironing and I'd better get on that. Ick, but I know it will help me get through this week.
My new theory of anxiety is that if I'm anxious I take something, spacing out 2 hours as much as possible (but if something is not working and I feel worse in an hour I'm taking it then). I'm tracking all of this and will fax to the dr tomorrow, but if the only way I can be comfortable is to take a ton of meds, then so be it. I also need my thyroid checked. They lowered my dose a bunch in the hospital, and when I saw Dr. Body he said that it may not work because they looked at TSH, the normal indicator, and for me my TSH can be relatively ok but my T3 or T4 isn't. And I'm suddenly full of hypothyroid symptoms.
I bought a number of different things to try to better protect my skin from the patches. Of course I got home and my skin looks much better, but I'm prepared now. I'm going to operate under the assumption that the patch really dries out out my skin, so when it comes off an area that area gets lots of moisture. By the time I hit that site again it should be free of all moisturizer, assuming I bathe occasionally.
I got a new winter coat today. I had one I thought would make it at least until after Christmas, but when I put it on it was clearly 2 sizes too large. So I have a new one. Again. I just got one last January for my birthday, but that one is about 4 sizes too big, at least.
It's going to be weird to not be posting quite so much now after I go back to work. It's possible that the next few days are going to be totally exhausting, so don't be surprised if I don't say much. Previous return-to-work weeks have involved a lot of sleeping very early.
Anyway, tonight's plans include ironing and I'd better get on that. Ick, but I know it will help me get through this week.
Locked up, Day Five
Day five (actually the night of day four) was when I decided the anxiety was absolutely unbearable. I also was very afraid because while Vistaril had knocked me out when I was totally out of control, it only really worked if taken either when I had totally worn myself out with the anxiety or if I happened to catch it the second it started. Neither of which was particularly helpful. I also realized that I was showing signs of tolerance to Ativan, which I had been taking for years. So I talked to my psychiatrist, who was happy to change me to Klonopin and wrote for it to be given regularly, not PRN. I could (and did) still take Vistaril, but the first dose of Klonopin made a noticeable difference within a few hours.
Unfortunately that didn't last long. I've written before about the dietician who thought that if I was too depressed to eat the best thing to do was eat things that sounded worse than anything ever had sounded. Well, she was about to make my life a living hell.
That morning I had eaten a reasonable amount (an omelet) for the first time in weeks. I had picked something for lunch I thought I might try. My stated goal for the day was to eat one serving of something at every meal.
So when I got my lunch tray and not one thing I'd ordered was on it, I was pretty upset. With no warning or explanation I was sent a chicken breast on a bun, something I'd specifically told her I wasn't able to eat. I think I got some vegetables, although now what I asked for, plain mashed potatoes, and a bunch of kinds of juice. Because juice is filling. I was so upset, and asked the nurse. At first she didn't know why, then remembered they'd decided to put me on the MAOI diet. I said I understood that, but that the dose I was on didn't even require a diet, and the diet for Emsam isn't as strict as oral MAOIs, and that this is insane. I wasn't even allowed soup because the broth might be made from aged meat or something. I was horribly upset and all they would say is the doctor ok'd it and they'd look into it.
I was able to pick at my dinner enough to feel like I'd at least tried, but it too was not what I ordered at all.
Aside from being very upset about the food, that day was actually slightly better. I was given a tentative discharge date of Wednesday, maybe Thursday, and I spent some time talking to the other patients. I even wrote that I laughed twice. I started participating in groups a little more (ie I was saying things before I was forced to).
I also noted that day that I was becoming extremely frustrated that nobody was bothering to read my chart to know why I was there. Everyone knew I was bipolar; I was the only bipolar patient. But with 6 patients, 2 nurses, and a tech, along with support staff, I felt that by day 5 there shouldn't be ongoing questions about what signs I had missed that caused me to need to be hospitalized, what medication errors I had made, and what changes to my support system might help me. The first couple days I understood these questions, but by day five I was getting petulant. "what did you miss that led to your admission?" "My doctor told me to quit taking my pills and I did, and I was admitted when I realized I was about to miss the only way to keep myself alive". "Why did you stop your pills?" "Because the DOCTOR TOLD ME TO".
I know it's hard to know all about each patient. I also know that at any given time I'm responsible for 30 to 50 patients and I know at least the significant reason they are seeing me, usually much more than that. It's not like there were constantly different nurses; they kept staffing pretty consistent. So I felt there was no excuse. This also was enchanced by my anger at being called by my first name, which is not the one I use, no matter how often I correct people. Again, 6 patients, learn my name. They were doing this with half of us.
NAMI (National Association of the Mentally Ill) came that day. I was disappointed because it was scheduled during a relaxation training group I actually would have benefitted from. NAMI is a good organization, but it is very not local for me, and listening didn't help much. I also was very freaked out because we were given paperclips while they were there and I couldn't stop thinking about how I could hurt myself with said paperclip. I finally threw it into the heating register thing to get it away from me. I was too embarrassed to ask the nurse to take it, even though it would have been smarter. I did later admit to several people that I'd had trouble with this.
My biggest accomplishment that day was changing my previously scheduled appointment with my family doctor to a much sooner day (thank God I did that given that without him I'm pretty sure I'd be back in the the hospital right now). ---This is a total tangent, but I just realized finally why nobody wants to give me enough Klonopin to just take care of it. Duh. I totally forgot that not only am I on suicide precautions verbally for what feels like forever, the doctors aren't going to risk me having enough meds to hurt myself. Oh.---Anyway, I also left Dr. Mind a message cancelling an appointment I'd miss while in the hospital, asking for extra appointments to be set up for a while, and letting him know I was surviving. I really wish he had a private voicemail box, because I wanted to tell him how much it meant that the staff at the counseling center were praying, but I wasn't ready to announce that to the world. I still need to tell him that.
That was also the day I found out I was switching doctors. I'd not seen my "real" doctor until my 3rd day because he had flu. Then I saw him 3 days and he was out of town. So I saw this other doctor really more. It didn't matter, I liked both. The second must have wound up my dr of record since my online chart lets me set up an appointment with him. I thought I was going to have to, but now I think I can make it a few more weeks.
And that was the week. There's still more days to come, but oh they were boring days. We had 1 30 minute group each morning that was supposed to be leisure but was awful, another group didn't happen either day, and the dreaded final group of the day that wasn't supposed to happen did. Otherwise it was very boring. More on that later.
Unfortunately that didn't last long. I've written before about the dietician who thought that if I was too depressed to eat the best thing to do was eat things that sounded worse than anything ever had sounded. Well, she was about to make my life a living hell.
That morning I had eaten a reasonable amount (an omelet) for the first time in weeks. I had picked something for lunch I thought I might try. My stated goal for the day was to eat one serving of something at every meal.
So when I got my lunch tray and not one thing I'd ordered was on it, I was pretty upset. With no warning or explanation I was sent a chicken breast on a bun, something I'd specifically told her I wasn't able to eat. I think I got some vegetables, although now what I asked for, plain mashed potatoes, and a bunch of kinds of juice. Because juice is filling. I was so upset, and asked the nurse. At first she didn't know why, then remembered they'd decided to put me on the MAOI diet. I said I understood that, but that the dose I was on didn't even require a diet, and the diet for Emsam isn't as strict as oral MAOIs, and that this is insane. I wasn't even allowed soup because the broth might be made from aged meat or something. I was horribly upset and all they would say is the doctor ok'd it and they'd look into it.
I was able to pick at my dinner enough to feel like I'd at least tried, but it too was not what I ordered at all.
Aside from being very upset about the food, that day was actually slightly better. I was given a tentative discharge date of Wednesday, maybe Thursday, and I spent some time talking to the other patients. I even wrote that I laughed twice. I started participating in groups a little more (ie I was saying things before I was forced to).
I also noted that day that I was becoming extremely frustrated that nobody was bothering to read my chart to know why I was there. Everyone knew I was bipolar; I was the only bipolar patient. But with 6 patients, 2 nurses, and a tech, along with support staff, I felt that by day 5 there shouldn't be ongoing questions about what signs I had missed that caused me to need to be hospitalized, what medication errors I had made, and what changes to my support system might help me. The first couple days I understood these questions, but by day five I was getting petulant. "what did you miss that led to your admission?" "My doctor told me to quit taking my pills and I did, and I was admitted when I realized I was about to miss the only way to keep myself alive". "Why did you stop your pills?" "Because the DOCTOR TOLD ME TO".
I know it's hard to know all about each patient. I also know that at any given time I'm responsible for 30 to 50 patients and I know at least the significant reason they are seeing me, usually much more than that. It's not like there were constantly different nurses; they kept staffing pretty consistent. So I felt there was no excuse. This also was enchanced by my anger at being called by my first name, which is not the one I use, no matter how often I correct people. Again, 6 patients, learn my name. They were doing this with half of us.
NAMI (National Association of the Mentally Ill) came that day. I was disappointed because it was scheduled during a relaxation training group I actually would have benefitted from. NAMI is a good organization, but it is very not local for me, and listening didn't help much. I also was very freaked out because we were given paperclips while they were there and I couldn't stop thinking about how I could hurt myself with said paperclip. I finally threw it into the heating register thing to get it away from me. I was too embarrassed to ask the nurse to take it, even though it would have been smarter. I did later admit to several people that I'd had trouble with this.
My biggest accomplishment that day was changing my previously scheduled appointment with my family doctor to a much sooner day (thank God I did that given that without him I'm pretty sure I'd be back in the the hospital right now). ---This is a total tangent, but I just realized finally why nobody wants to give me enough Klonopin to just take care of it. Duh. I totally forgot that not only am I on suicide precautions verbally for what feels like forever, the doctors aren't going to risk me having enough meds to hurt myself. Oh.---Anyway, I also left Dr. Mind a message cancelling an appointment I'd miss while in the hospital, asking for extra appointments to be set up for a while, and letting him know I was surviving. I really wish he had a private voicemail box, because I wanted to tell him how much it meant that the staff at the counseling center were praying, but I wasn't ready to announce that to the world. I still need to tell him that.
That was also the day I found out I was switching doctors. I'd not seen my "real" doctor until my 3rd day because he had flu. Then I saw him 3 days and he was out of town. So I saw this other doctor really more. It didn't matter, I liked both. The second must have wound up my dr of record since my online chart lets me set up an appointment with him. I thought I was going to have to, but now I think I can make it a few more weeks.
And that was the week. There's still more days to come, but oh they were boring days. We had 1 30 minute group each morning that was supposed to be leisure but was awful, another group didn't happen either day, and the dreaded final group of the day that wasn't supposed to happen did. Otherwise it was very boring. More on that later.
Fingers crossed
I'm still feeling ok-ish today. This looks more hopeful. We'll see how much so by afternoon.......
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